I am not creative ♡

I am not creative ♡

I am not creative.

I am sensitive, and my nature is to be EXPRESSIVE.

In fact, I have a BURNING DESIRE for expression. Of self, of my experience, of my lens on life. This has been the case since I was very young.

But as I look back on my 35 years of life so far, with real honesty, I can’t say I’ve actually been expressive of all that much.

The hard fact is, I’ve mostly restricted and censored my expression through life. And that has saddened me, frustrated me, and confused me for decades. Let me explain. :)

 
 
107_0702.JPG

For as long as I could write I’ve put little daydreams down on paper: connections I made, feelings I felt, ideas I had, and the precious perspective which is uniquely mine. This categorization and documentation was a constant through my years growing up. I was always capturing little thoughts on scraps of paper but I didn’t know how to, or couldn’t muster the courage to, fearlessly share in a ways I approved of or felt comfortable with. So, these scraps and ideas have burdened me, embarrassed me, and stressed me out for all my life, cluttering my mind and slowing my actions.

When I was 16, I wanted a camera. I was quite self-conscious in high school for a number of reasons, and in pictures it sometimes felt like I could be perfect. My parents got me the most amazing camera which I kept for years – with a huge lens and film. I used it all the time, and I found it was a vehicle by which I could capture the world through MY eyes; I could express myself without words by conveying the beauty of my perspective, and that was so nourishing to me and needed.

But even this expression too was eventually allowed by me to be shut down by fear. I earned a series of emotional scars through my 20’s, and although the digital age was upon us, and taking pictures and sharing words only became easier, I shared and expressed increasingly less! I took literally thousands of pictures each year, and only shared a handful with some very considered words…

PAUSE: I want to really acknowledge the scope of this for a moment. Last year for instance, I took 8000 photos. I shared 48. Do you know the special form of suffering this is? >>> My guess is that you do. <<< Because insecurity, fear, and their respective costs are a HUMAN EXPERIENCE. Procrastination, fatigue, self-criticism and despair are just some of the byproducts of this special type of censorship we as people do to ourselves.

Well, over the past 6 months, I’ve been doing SPIRITUAL BATTLE with my perfectionism, fear around visibility expression and vulnerability, and crippling desire for external validation or approval from others.

This lifelong experience had seemed so engrained that it was difficult to believe that it would ever shift. With the support of everyone around me, I persisted and trusted.

About 2 weeks ago, effectively all the fears finally began to weaken, crumble, and fall away.

I am happy to say today there is no more power left in those fears.

There is so much more that I want to say, I could keep writing and writing… But the good news is, I have the rest of my life to live my purpose and express my truth. So what I do want to say right this moment is that what you have to say is SO SPECIAL. Your perspective is SO IMPORTANT. The people in my life who share their challenges and their joys openly – using their voices – thank God for you! I love you for doing it, in part because you have tempted me so long with your freedom... I know the courage it takes to express without fear. I hope you acknowledge that trait in yourself as well, because we can all become diminished through life experiences and traumas, if caught unaware or asleep at the wheel. I hope you guard and defend that brave expressiveness with awareness.

For anyone who this resonates with, drop a comment or share, please! I want to hear your thoughts and what you have to say.

This is a totally gratuitous pic of me in Barcelona when I was 21 years old that makes me happy.

This is a totally gratuitous pic of me in Barcelona when I was 21 years old that makes me happy.

 
 
Mandy BarbeeComment